It’s Okay If You’re Not Ready For Your Amazing Future.

Just be where you are.

Maya Sayvanova
4 min readSep 18, 2021


Photo by KoolShooters from Pexels

You haven’t completely lost control over your life until you realize you don’t even have your nights anymore.

It’s what happens with two small children.

When I read creativity advice that tells me to give my mind an unsolvable problem right before I go to sleep, and then my subconscious will solve it, I think, great. But I can’t do that.

First of all, I don’t go to sleep. I pass out. I pass out either on the bed, while pushing the baby’s swing; or on the couch, while I’m trying to have but a moment of quality time with my husband; or in the hallway between both.

Second of all, I don’t sleep. I nap as long as my baby will allow me.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about doing something I shouldn’t do — moving my baby in the kids’ room to sleep with his brother.

My pediatrician told me I should wait until the big brother turns 3. Before that, he’s still too young, and there’s the possibility that he hurts the baby unintentionally.

I don’t want to wait: because I know my toddler is already smart enough, and I know he sleeps well, and I know they won’t really be alone together awake.

I don’t want to wait. I’m in desperate need to be able to close the door to my master bedroom, and take a shower, put my closet in order or choose an outfit for the next day.

To read before bed.

I’m desperate. But I am waiting. No, not because of the pediatrician.

I’m a little ashamed to admit this.

I keep telling people how I can’t wait for my kids to grow up so I can have more control over my life. I am sick and tired of someone always crying around me, always needing me urgently.

But also, I feel weird about the fact that my babies are growing up daily. It’s been all about them for the past 6–7 years of my life.

First, I struggled to get pregnant. Then I got pregnant, and my pregnancy was at the centre of everything. The Earth revolved around my belly, for what I knew. Then I devoted my life to my first son. A couple of months after he turned…



Maya Sayvanova

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